


In Truly Dysfunctional Lesbian Fashion

by Bluebluebaby



Category: Dead To Me (TV)
Genre: F/F, Voyeurism, blame the gc, chaotic lesbian love quadrangle, jen makes bad impulsive decisions, unethical behavior on pretty much everyone's part but michelle she's fine
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-30
Updated: 2020-07-30
Packaged: 2021-03-05 22:29:05
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,449
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25612861
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bluebluebaby/pseuds/Bluebluebaby
Summary: just a big ol mess of crack fic!!!or, Jen is so desperate to break up Judy and Michelle that she... fucks Perez?i would say it makes more sense in context, but ymmv.
Relationships: Jen Harding/Ana Perez, Judy Hale/Jen Harding, Michelle Gutierrez/Judy Hale
Comments: 77
Kudos: 75





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [lagunasnudebeach](https://archiveofourown.org/users/lagunasnudebeach/gifts), [queenC_13](https://archiveofourown.org/users/queenC_13/gifts).



> props to the pals for encouraging the insanity we love to see it. 
> 
> also, for the love of god, i don't condone anyone's behavior in here- use your words to communicate with potential and current romantic partners irl, please!

Jen Harding is not deluded enough to claim that she’s not a jealous person.

She’s a _very_ fucking jealous person. 

Judy’s been a good influence on her in tempering her baser instincts. Perhaps that’s why, instead of telling Judy to suck her non-existent cock (she really needs to buy a new one; getting married and not fucking women really put a dent in her strap-on collection. Although, fake dick technology has probably vastly improved since the 90’s, come to think of it...) she’s giving her another fucking ride to Michelle’s. 

_Michelle._

Fucking ugh. 

It’s like this:

When Jen met Judy, she felt the spark of physical attraction for the first time in over a year. Which, _whoa_. But deep in the middle of grief? Easy to ignore. And clearly, she was a mess, Judy was a mess, and having a life raft of a friendship was a helluva lot more important than getting off.

Besides, at the time, Judy was busy _not_ being hung up about sex with Steve and Nick. 

Then, the whole learning your best friend killed your husband soon after which you murder her ex and you hide the body together? Total boner killer, if you’re not _already_ into that sort of thing. 

The uncertainty that maybe Judy didn’t ever have any intention behind her relentless flirting didn’t help things (it’s one thing to wonder if your _be-fri_ is actually the bratty bottom her comments might suggest, it’s another altogether to _know_ that she is) but Michelle fucking changes _everything._

They don’t talk about it, Judy’s queerness, no awkward “so… when did you know you liked women? By the way, my early-to-mid twenties were spent in serial lesbian monogamy, just putting that out there...” Jen just accepts it, because why wouldn’t she? 

And so, Karen doesn’t know how Jen fucks, and Judy doesn’t either. 

And that is a _problem._

___

Jen isn’t lying when she says she likes Michelle. 

She does, Michelle is very likeable. She can definitely see what Judy sees in her, and much to her chagrin, she suspects she’s probably fucking _great_ in bed. Which doesn’t help the whole ‘jealousy’ thing. 

But liking someone is not, for Jen, a deterrent to being a total and _utter_ cunt to them. 

So when Jen drops Judy at Michelle’s and she overhears Michelle assure Judy that her “roommate” is on the night shift? She listens to the devil on her shoulder and hightails it to the police station. 

_

“Mrs. Harding, I told you I would keep you updated on your case, I promise the crime lab doesn’t send us results at nine o’clock at night.”

“Oh, this is a personal visit.” 

Perez’s face is as impassive as ever. She clearly has time for Jen to dig her own grave explaining herself. 

“Are you telling me that you’re too busy figuring out who spray painted dicks on park benches or whatever to hear me out?” 

“No, actually, it seems like the major cases all seem to center around your social network, so, in that matter, talking to you would probably be more productive.” 

“Listen- I had an idea, about- well, I think neither of us are thrilled with Judy’s romantic choices at the moment-” 

“Why do you care?” 

Perez sounds offended that Jen could possibly be as upset about Judy and Michelle as she is- Jen has to give her that one, on the numbers. Her reactions lately haven’t exactly been grounded in logic and reason.

“No offense, but I’d rather limit the number of times I run into you outside of the precinct. That being said… what time do you get off tonight? I’ll buy you a drink.”

“I know you’re not hitting on me.” 

“What are you going to do when they move in together, huh? “ 

It’s a low blow, but it works. Perez scowls, but her shoulders drop. 

“I’m done at 11.” She writes down the address of her favorite bar, before shooing Jen away. “I’ll give you one drink to make your case. That’s it.” 

_ 

Jen has just enough time to go home, ensure the boys are actually in bed (Charlie may not be asleep but the joy and tragedy of technology is that it’s generally a great deterrent from teen boys leaving their bedrooms), and think about her life choices. 

She _could_ just not show up to the bar, or have the drink and just bitch to Perez without like, taking any action. 

But then Jen thinks about how Judy’s eyes kind of glazed over when she was talking about sex with Michelle, and how sometimes when Jen gets short with her (not actually unkind, just...intense) Judy’s pupils dilate and her breath hitches and… 

Jen is gonna fuck the _shit_ out of Perez, and she’s gonna make sure Judy hears every fucking _second_ of it. 

On the drive to the bar, Jen travels back in time. It’s buried pretty deep in her psyche now, but she’s pretty sure the art of seducing women is like riding a bike, shaky at first but indelible. She takes deep breaths, thinking about all the things she _wants_. 

And if regressive levels of jealousy and anger keep her from feeling like there’s a fucking black hole insdie her chest for the first time in a year? _That’s fucking okay_. 

(It has to be, because the alternative has proved unbearable.) 

_

Perez is sitting at the bar drinking whiskey, and Jen has to admit it kinda works for her, the perpetual scowl on her face, the toes of her sensible shoes tapping impatiently. 

(She might, perhaps, enjoy making her wait.)

“You’re ten minutes late, so you really better be persuasive,” Perez cautions. 

“Oh, I can be very convincing when I need to be,” Jen purrs.

“No.” 

Jen sighs, taking a drink of her wine. 

“Okay, let me put it this way, then. We’ve tried the diplomatic approach, explaining to Judy and Michelle why them dating is a bad idea. It clearly hasn’t worked, so it’s time for direct action.” 

“You’re not going to tell me to let them live and the heart wants what it wants and I should stop being so fucking overprotective?” 

“Fuck no! People make terrible fucking decisions every day. Shit,I wish someone had stopped me from moving to this fucking nightmare of a town, but here we fucking are, making lemonade out of lemons.” 

“So, this direct action…” Perez still looks disinterested, but she leans in slightly, and Jen knows she’s got her. 

“We fight fire with fire.” 

Jen sits back against the booth, all bravado.

“You feel like a stranger in your own home, right? Waking up to fucking _Judy Hale_ in the kitchen? So we give them a taste of their own medicine.” 

“You and I will not be having sex.” 

“ _They_ don’t need to know that,” Jen scoffs. “I, for one, am great at faking it.” 

Perez just raises an eyebrow but the corner of her mouth turns up a little bit. 

“So, let’s say we follow your ridiculous plan, we go back to the house, fake fuck, then what?” 

“Michelle realizes she misses your hot fuckin’ bod and chucks Judy to the curb? Look, I’m not saying it _will_ do the trick, I’m saying that it sure as fuck won’t if we do nothing. Judy’s like, the worst U-Hauler in the world, okay, giving them time to fizzle out on their own won’t work.” 

“Says the woman who moved her into her home days after meeting her.” 

“And wouldn’t you rather us keep our bad boundaries in-house?” 

“Yeah, I would. Which is why, _if_ I agree to this- it’s only because I’m desperate to return to my old life when I had no idea the two of you even existed.” 

“Fine by me.” 

_

Jen drives, because she’s not about to put herself in a position where she doesn’t have an easy escape route if things go sideways- which, knowing all the parties involved, is probably pretty fucking likely. 

Perez isn’t about to ride shotgun, so they do a fucking caravan to the house. Which doesn’t help for the whole faking sexual chemistry thing, but it’s a short drive anyway. 

Perez holds open the door for her, leading her into the kitchen and pouring more wine.

“For tonight, and tonight _only,_ call me Ana.” 

Jen nods, clinking their glasses together. 

“To new beginnings.” 

They drink in relative silence for a moment, before Jen decides attempting to make small talk might be helpful. Normally, she would turn on her realtor charm, but that clearly will win her no points here. 

“So, that police chief’s a real dick, huh?”

Perez laughs, and it’s surprisingly warm and lovely and fuck, if tonight isn’t full of surprises. 

“Smarmy as they come. I mean, I’m rarely a fan of men, but he’s exceptionally gross.” 

“I’m rarely a fan of men either,” Jen hums into her wineglass. 

Perez- _Ana-_ looks at her incredulously. 

“So the grieving widow act was…” 

“Oh, it was real- my husband knew all the lyrics to “32 Flavors,” I really thought he was one of the rare good ones, of course I found out he had been fucking a twenty-two year old named Bambi, but I digress…” 

(She holds on to the anger, though. It makes her strong. _Hey, Ted, I can fuck other women, too! Enjoy the view from hell!!_ )

“If I had a dollar for every time a white lady made me listen to Ani Difranco…” 

“So what _do_ you like to listen to?”

“I’m not a music person.” 

“Why am I not surprised?” 

“Fuck you, too.” 

“Be my guest.” 

Their flirting (?) is interrupted by Michelle, who comes into the kitchen to grab a water pitcher. She does a double take when she sees them. 

“I thought you were on the night shift?”

“3-11. Which you’d know, if you listened.”

_Shots fired._

“You remember Jen?”

Jen does a little wave, making a point not to move her body away from its newfound proximity to Ana. 

“Um, yes. Yes, I do. Hi, Jen? I’ll just- go back to my room and pray that I’m actually asleep right now,” she mutters, walking away. 

“Ha, she wishes,” Jen laughs. 

And Ana? She smiles. 

Time to seal the fuckin’ deal. 

Jen trails her fingers on the inside of Perez’s wrist noting the smallest of shivers her touch elicits. 

“What do you say we take this to the bedroom?”

_

In truly dysfunctional lesbian fashion, Ana and Michelle’s rooms are not on opposite sides of the house, but rather, diagonally across from one another in the same hallway. And Jen knows her fucking houses- these walls are paper thin and not at all soundproof. 

“Can you close the door,” Perez calls behind her, as she folds her blazer and takes off her boots. 

“Sure,” Jen says, intentionally leaving it cracked open. 

“So, um, how do you want to do this?”

Ana looks nervous. It’s sweet. And also weirdly hot. 

“Well, I was thinking you’d tell me what you like in bed and we’d do a very convincing pantomime, but if you want to actually fool around a little, that’s fine by me.” 

In the pause, they hear Judy’s breathy little moan and Michelle’s voice saying “You like that, huh?” obnoxiously loud. 

“Oh, fuck no,” Ana mutters before grabbing Jen by the shoulders and kissing her. 

It’s way too aggressive- like a kitten pretending to be a tiger- but Jen goes with it. 

She knows, innately, that Perez (honestly, she’s tried with the ‘Ana’ shit but first names aren’t gonna get her there tonight) likes fuckin’ slow and tender lovemaking, but everyone benefits from a change of pace now and then. 

  
  


But when Perez attempts to push her back on the bed? She’s gotta draw the line somewhere. 

“It’s cute how you thought you were gonna top here,” she whispers against her neck, flipping them and pinning Perez’s hands above her head. 

The way Perez pushes her hips up against her? That’s fucking _method_ acting, baby. 

“Now,” she bites Perez’s earlobe, for research purposes, “Tell me what gets you off.” 

Perez, for all her swagger on the streets, is at a loss for words. 

“I’m sorry, I thought our whole goal here was to make our voices heard. But I can go…” 

“No, no,” Perez pants, “Stay.” 

Her eyes are dark, and Jen realizes with a thrill that Perez has probably been celibate since her breakup, if her mopiness around the topic of Michelle is any indication. 

“Out of practice, huh?”

“Shut up.” 

Jen begins to unbutton Perez’s blouse, waiting for the nod that gives her permission to remove the garment. 

Her tits? Are _magnificent._

“Well, you look fucking great, seriously.” 

“Thanks. You too, but I mean, I’m sure you know that.” 

“Still nice to hear,” Jen smiles, feeling like this is maybe a bit too close to a heart to heart for her liking, but it’s still important for women to support other women. 

“Did you want to-” Perez gestures to Jen’s shirt. 

“Sure don’t.” 

“Sorry.” 

“It’s fine. Right. So, how do you feel about biting?” 

“If you leave visible marks I’ll kill you. Otherwise, it’s fine.” 

(Jen can tell from the octave that her voice drops it’s _more_ than fine. Fucking _good_.) 

She starts with light nibbles along Perez’s jawline and clavicle, dragging her nails along her abdomen before moving to her breasts. 

She’s getting more audible feedback now, the occasional “fuck,” or “yes,” but given how demonstrably loud Judy is (which is maybe the _least_ surprising thing ever), it’s time to bring out the big guns. 

“This okay?” Jen asks, as she unbuttons Perez’s trousers. 

(She really makes a wide leg pant work. It’s nice to see, in this day and age of skinny jean ubiquity.) 

As Jen looks up to affirm Perez’s consent she sees it: a mirror, on the wall behind them. 

A mirror in which, through that blessedly open door, she can see Judy. 

_ 

Michelle jokes about it, when she brings their water. 

“So, a very weird thing happened, and I would appreciate it if you tell me if I’m showing signs of a neurological event, because I swear I just saw your friend Jen and Ana… hanging out in the kitchen.” 

“My Jen?” 

Michelle rolls her eyes.

“Does she have a secret twin you don’t know about?” 

“Huh, maybe they were talking about the case.”

“Over wine?”

Judy shrugs.

“I mean, I guess maybe Jen misses female friendship when I’m hanging out with you? I totally get it- although, not what I would have expected from Perez.” 

“Right. Um, I’m going to try to just wipe that whole thing from my brain- mind if I bury my face in your pussy to aid my recovery?” 

“I mean, if it’s therapeutic, sure,” Judy deadpans, “I’m happy to help.” 

And it’s just as lovely as usual- Michelle is attentive and intuitive and Judy is having a really nice time, honestly, when she hears the unmistakeable sound of Jen’s voice saying, “ _Fuck, you are so wet for me, baby_.” 

It’s like a fucking flood after that, and her hips have a mind of their own, grinding against Michelle’s beautiful, beautiful face. 

It takes Michelle a minute to realize what’s going on (she has a truly reverent relationship to eating her out, which is, like obscenely flattering), but when she does, she smirks. 

“You get off on listening?”

“What can I say, I’m nosy,” Judy moans, as Michelle gets back to it. 

And if she’s extra performative after that? Well, social pressure works, and Judy’s always been more vulnerable than most. 

Out of that morbid curiosity, though, and knowing that Michelle will be truly preoccupied, Judy makes the fatal mistake of opening her eyes and looking up. 

She sees Jen’s eyes reflected through the mirror in the lamplight, sees her wicked, wicked smirk as she says “ _God, you are going to be_ **_so good_ ** _for me, aren’t you..._ ” 

See, Judy totally buys Perez as a bottom (hell, Michelle had alluded to as much) but the praise kink is _all hers_. And hadn’t Jen basically called her on it the last time they fought? 

“Fuck,” she moans out, as Jen clearly starts fucking Perez harder. 

“ _You like what you see_?” Jen teases, and she’s really toeing the line of making it believable that this has anything to do with the woman she’s actually on top of. 

And it’s then, when Judy’s so close she just gave herself a calf cramp, and Jen looks like she’s about to come with all her clothes on, that it all falls apart. 

“What the fuck, Judy?” 

Michelle has stopped using her mouth, and Judy didn’t notice because she was too busy witnessing her allegedly straight roommate fucking a woman like it was what she was put on this earth to do. 

“Michelle! Shit, I’m sorry- I got distracted!” 

“Yeah, didn’t seem like it was distracting you from getting off at all. Get out of my bed, please?” 

“Wait, no, it’s okay, we can get back to-” 

“We absolutely cannot. You need to go.” 

Judy’s grabbing her clothes, still too fucking turned on to really feel upset (which, it would probably be even more awkward if she started crying, so small mercies there), and as she runs out into the hallway she collides with Jen and Perez. 

“You two are a fucking piece of work,” Perez huffs, although she looks kind of suspiciously _not_ upset, which Judy will have to ask Jen about when she’s able to form words again.

“Detective! You look great- talk about an _amazing_ body.” 

“Not the fucking time, Judy,” Jen grimaces. 

“Get your clothes on, and get the fuck out of my house. Both of you.” 

Judy steals a glance backward as she grabs her purse and walks out the front door and sees Michelle yelling and Perez comforting her and as much as she feels like an utter fucking failure, Jen is behind her, dangling her car keys, standing like the cat who caught the canary. 

So now, she’s embarrassed, horny, and _betrayed_.

It’s a dangerous combination.

“You think I want to get in the car with you after the shit you just pulled? Like, seriously, I don’t ever want to hear you talk about bad ideas with me ever again, Jen, what the _actual_ fuck?” 

Jen just crosses her arms, and raises an eyebrow. 

“You’re gonna act like I was the only one who caused that mess in there? No. We’re fucking doing this.” 

“Oh, _Fuck me_.” 

“Glad we’re on the same page,” Jen winks, starting the engine.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which a wild Karen appears.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you all for ur support during this ridiculous time <3

Jen’s whole body is vibrating with adrenaline. She hasn’t felt this much of a rush since Junior year when she almost got caught fingerfucking her dance rival in the back of the audience at the Met. 

“Did it occur to you, Jennifer, that this was something we could have had a conversation about, like weeks ago?” 

Jen shrugs.

“ I’m not much of a talker.” 

“You sure about that? Because you weren’t having trouble finding your words back there.”

Judy is frustrated, Jen sees that, but she’s also shifting uncomfortably in her seat. 

“You didn’t get to finish, did you.” 

“Not the point right now!” 

“Listen, Jude, I’m genuinely sorry for how I behaved back there. It was disrespectful, and impulsive, and yeah, motivated primarily by jealousy and anger. But I’m not sorry for the end result.” 

Judy looks out the window, but only succeeds in giving her the silent treatment for a few seconds. 

“Is there a reason I didn’t know you… date women?” 

“Honestly, I thought the Ani Difranco and Lilith Fair hints would have done the trick. It’s not like we ever talked about my life before Ted. And, for the record, you didn’t mention you date women either, you just... dated one.” 

Judy nods. 

“Michelle thought you and I were a couple, at first. And I told you you were straight. So, like, she probably hates me forever.” 

“Nah, she for sure hates  _ me _ forever, but it’s impossible to stay mad at you, Judy. It’s one of your many gifts.” 

“And the others?” 

Jen’s never been so happy to see that shit eating grin. 

She traces numbers on Judy’s bare thigh as she counts down. 

“Let’s see… well,  _ one, _ you’ve clearly got a  _ very _ giving spirit,  _ two, _ you’re very… responsive to the world around you, and  _ three _ ... your inability to ever stop fucking talking is actually the fucking greatest.” 

“Oh, you like it when I talk back?” Judy gasps, attempting to shift her hips closer to Jen’s searching hand. 

(It’s a good thing they’re on a quiet residential street, because Jen could  _ not _ deal with traffic right now.) 

“Yeah, Jude, makes it all the more satisfying when I get you at a loss for words.” 

“Nnnnnghhh.” 

“But you’re not  _ that _ easy, are you?” 

“You know I don’t like rhetorical questions, Jen,” Judy pouts. “Pull over.” 

“I’m sorry,” Jen laughs, “Are you driving?” 

“Are you telling me that you didn’t hatch this plan with the end goal of me riding your hand in the backseat?” 

“And here I was going to sit on your face so you can put that filthy mouth to better use.” 

“Why not both,” Judy grins, and  _ fuck _ , Jen loves this version of her so much, all doe eyes and fake innocence. 

They’re close to home, but Jen parks the car anyways. Like they’re gonna fuck in a  _ bed _ ?

_

The backseat of a new Mercedes SUV is far more spacious than that of an old camaro. Which is- well, Judy often enjoys a challenge or a tight squeeze, but right now? It’s good to have room to move. 

_ Very good _ . 

Jen is, well, Judy’s never seen her like this (although she may have hoped/dreamed/fantasized about it). Jen is usually out of control with her emotions, but  _ this  _ Jen is careful. Calculating. More than happy to be patient if it means Judy squirms just a little more. 

Judy’s straddling her lap, and Jen keeps running her hands under her dress, biting her neck and whispering in her ear, even though there’s no need to be quiet, like she wants to make damn certain these words are only for her. 

“Did you forget to put your underwear on, or were you not wearing it in the first place? Planning to get lucky tonight?” 

“I was in a rush.” 

“Hmmmm. You’re dripping. I bet you stained my front seat. I oughtta make you clean it up.” 

“Oh god, please don’t, I really think it could wait ‘til morning.” 

“Yeah? Maybe this could wait ‘til morning, too.” 

(It’s never this good the first time with someone. It’s not  _ supposed _ to be. Judy’s used to talking about these things, negotiating them, shyly suggesting what it is that really gets her going. But somehow, Jen knows exactly where to touch her, exactly what to say.)

“Jennnnnn.” 

“Use your words, Jude.”

She punctuates the instruction with a bite to Judy’s neck, right where it joins the shoulder. 

“Fuckkkkkkk.” 

“Do you want me to leave a mark?” 

“Yes,” Judy whispers. 

“Why?” 

Judy hesitates, and Jen slows her hand’s movements. 

“Tell. Me.” 

“So everyone knows I belong to you.” 

“Even Michelle?” 

(Jen twists her fingers as she says the name and _ fuck, _ how did they go literal years without doing this before?) 

“Yes, even her. Oh, god, does that make me a bad person?” 

Her voice does that annoying little whine at the end, the one Jen made fun of her for (and maybe she used that memory for unwholesome purposes with her vibrator but that’s between her and her goddess). 

“Oh, Jude,” Jen looks at her, and it’s like, _ pure _ sex, but also, some fucking Carl Rogers unconditional positive regard shit in there, too. 

“You are  _ so _ .  _ Good _ . The  _ best _ , actually.” 

And yeah, Judy knows she has fucking mommy issues and an unending need for approval, but that doesn’t make Jen’s words any less fucking effective. 

“Can you tell me how you felt when you heard my voice?” 

Jen’s stern, but not unkind, slowing her pace enough that Judy gets the message that her answers bring her closer. 

(It’s an empty threat- they both know Judy will sing like a fucking bird, anyway.) 

“Oh god, Jen, I got so fucking wet.” 

“Yeah? Why?” 

“Because I knew you were talking to  _ me _ .” 

“And how did you know that?” 

Judy gasps, her brain a little more focused on processing all of the overwhelming sensory information than forming words at the moment. 

“Well, gosh, Jen, I think the fucking me with your eyes kind of gave it away, didn’t it?” 

Jen laughs, before using her hips to give her hand more leverage, and Judy is well and truly  _ fucked _ , in every sense of the word. 

“I have been thinking about fucking you for months, Jude.” 

“Yeah? Coulda let a girl know.” 

“Are you complaining?” 

“No, no complaints here. Only gratitude. Blessed,  _ blessed _ gratitude.” 

“You sound like fucking Christopher- leave that fucking religious shit out of this.” 

“Jesus, fine. As long as you keep doing  _ that _ .” 

“And what happens if I keep doing  _ that _ , hmmm?” 

“I come all over your fingers and I have more upholstery to clean in the morning?” 

Just then, they see a shadowy figure moving on the streets, the streetlamps illuminating. 

“Who the fuck is out running after midnight?” 

As the runner slows down, the answer becomes painfully clear. 

“Fuck, grab that blanket from over there,” Jen instructs, while rolling the window down. 

(She manages to do so while remaining inside Judy. Miracles happen every day.) 

“Karen, hi. What are you doing out this late?” 

Jen’s shiny-happy-realtor smile while she’s slowly thrusting inside Judy is  _ absolutely _ the work of the devil. 

“Oh, you know, the revenge body stops for no one! And it’s been so hot I’ve been trying to get my miles in when it’s cooler.” 

“Wow, it really has been hot,” Judy croaks, wiping her bangs from her forehead. 

“You two okay?” 

Jen smiles, tight and lethal, and fuck why is that even  _ hotter  _ to Judy (she really needs to go back to therapy or something)? 

“I just pulled a muscle in my back and Judy was helping me stretch it out before we got in the house. I was having a hard time getting out of the car- middle age, am I right?!” 

“Oh, do you need an extra set of hands?” 

“No!” Judy yells, much louder than she intended. “I mean, I think we’re almost there, you enjoy that run, girl!” 

“Um, okay, sure! Hey, you gals wanna come over for moscato and a movie tomorrow? I just found my old copy of  _ First Wives Club _ .” 

“Sure-” 

“-you know Karen, I’ve actually got something with the boys at school, I’m sorry.” 

“Right, the boys, sorry Karen.” 

Judy pouts, legitimately regretful. 

“Some other time then!” 

And off she goes, into the endless night.

Or rather, up her driveway, which they happen to be parked in front of. 

“Aw, I feel bad,” Judy whines, as Jen tosses aside the blanket and rolls the window up. 

“Are you saying you’d rather hang with Karen than spend tomorrow night in my bed?” 

“Yeah, maybe,” Judy teases. 

“What if I tie you up?” 

“You had me at tie,” she sighs dreamily. “Hey, you think Perez uses her cuffs in bed?” 

“On herself, maybe. But I honestly think she’s more into like,  _ erotic massage _ .”

“Oh, good for her. I feel like she really deserves to be taken care of like that, you know.” 

“Judy I swear to god if you don’t let me make you come…” 

“What? You won’t  _ let _ me come? Oh, noooooooo.” 

Jen rolls her eyes, but Judy knows she’s enjoying this as much as she is. It’s like, abundantly clear now how they were always going to end up here, fingerfucking against a background of McMansions. 

  
  


“Why don’t you be a good girl and ride my hand again, hmmm?” 

“If you fuck me like you mean it I might,” Judy laughs, and the way Jen’s eyes ignite?

Is  _ sublime _ . 

Judy’s fucking floating, after that, and it doesn’t take much for Jen to literally talk her into an orgasm. 

(“ _ Show me how good you can be for me, baby, let me know how much you want it. Fuck, you’re gripping me so tightly, break my fucking hand, baby, come on, do it. _ ”) 

There’s just enough of that  _ magnificent _ mean-girl edge in Jen’s voice to really send Judy over the threshold, and she thinks she might have passed out a little bit at the end, there. 

When she comes to, Jen is smirking, so she grabs her wrist and sucks her fingers clean. 

“Well  _ played _ , Judes.” 

“Is this the part where you sit on my face?” 

Judy’s going for like, sultry, but she’s too blissed out right now to hide her smile. 

“Fuck no, my back would never let me are you fucking kidding? We’re going to go inside, I’m going to grab some memory foam pillows, and you’re going to eat me out until I come all over that pretty little face. Sound good?” 

It  _ really does _ , actually. 

_

The guest house, is fortunately, still soundproofed, because Jen is like, totally a shouter, on the rare occasions she lets someone touch her. 

It’s honestly incredible that she doubled her fucks per minute ratio- Judy’s feeling pretty good about her performance. 

“Jesus, Jude. I knew you’d be good at that, but like, you  _ really  _ love pussy, huh?” 

“Yours, at least,” Judy concedes. 

“Atta girl,” she strokes her hair, and it’s a weird, but lovely contrast to the hair-pulling of ten minutes prior. 

“So, did you just want to crash in here, or?” 

“Um, I’m not really a cuddler, but I think I’d rather try to sneak back in at normal morning hours than right now, if that’s okay.” 

“I’m pretty sure us sharing a bed to sleep is literally the most normal thing that has happened in the past twenty four hours.” 

“Point taken.” 

_ 

Jen’s attempting to enjoy her morning coffee on the patio when Karen comes running up and gives Judy an enthusiastic high five. 

“Okay, so, I just had this _ feeling _ about you two, and I checked the security cameras when I got back in, and way to  _ go _ , ladies!” 

“Karen, are you saying you watched me fuck.” 

“No,” she winks, “I’m saying I watched  _ both _ of you. And the chemistry?  _ Palpable _ . You know, I was thinking about checking the interested in box for both men and women on my dating profile, if you have any tips you want to share.” 

“You know, it’s about the person, not the gender,” Judy says, as Jen simultaneously blurts out ”Learn to fucking eat pussy like your life depends on it it’s the only thing that’s gonna save you out there.” 

“Okay,  _ noted, _ ” Karen nods, clearly feeling herself. “It’s like, why should Jeff have all the fun, am I right?” 

“You’re so right,” Judy agrees, and Jen really wishes she would direct some of that brattiness at innocent bystanders every once in a while. 

Once Karen is out of earshot, Judy frowns. 

“Does this mean we’re not gonna fuck in the pool?” 

“Well, not with the boys home, obviously. But if Karen wants a fucking show, I say, let her have one.” 

“Hey, maybe we could invite her for a three-way.” 

“Oh, so you’re like a  _ hardcore  _ masochist.” 

“I’m just saying- it’s the friendly thing to do, help her get her groove back after Jeff. I mean, it would be like a karmic balance, you know, since we kind of took his side back then.” 

“Judy, I’m going to need to be much more drunk and owe you a lot more favors before we even think about returning to this conversation.” 

“Suit yourself,” Judy shrugs, downing the rest of her herbal tea and standing up. “I’ve got to go into work, but I would  _ love _ to bust out my scarf collection tonight.” 

“Oh, so that’s what the hippie shit is for? Sunshine and rainbows bondage?”

“Are you complaining? Because I’m happy to take my business elsewhere.” 

“Fuck off, Judy.”

“Can’t. Gotta go paint Georgia O’Keefe Vagina Flowers with the Greatest Generation.” 

“I love you, too,” Jen yells back, with her middle finger raised high. 

She looks down the drive to see Judy handing Karen what looks like a very well-worn copy of  _ Our Bodies, Our Selves  _ and at this moment, coffee is  _ really _ not cutting it. 

This thing with Judy? It might actually kill her. 

(Which, maybe is not a joke when it comes to the two of them.) 

But objectively? There are much worse ways to go. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tbh i'm willing to take on any ridiculous crack prompts gimme your worst

**Author's Note:**

> next up... the car ride home, baby!!!


End file.
